Saturday, March 15, 2014
St Bernadette
This is my latest. A portrait of St. Bernadette. I hope you like it!
Based on this photo:
Friday, March 14, 2014
The Sinner's Guide to NFP - A Review
I recently bit the bullet and picked up a copy of Simcha Fisher's book, The Sinners Guide to Natural Family Planning. My husband and I have managed to come to terms with the cross that we have to bear when we are abstaining during NFP, but I still found the honest and candid advice and support in this book to be very beneficial.
From what I understand, I live in one of, if not the most, secular state in the United States. However, I am fortunate enough to have a really great support network for NFP here, mostly through a phenomenal teaching couple who are down to earth and kind. I am also a member of the Couple to Couple League, so I receive their magazine, which is full of support and advice. I've found through my contact with other Catholic couples who live in far more Catholic areas than I do that this support network isn't available to everyone. For this very reason, I suggest that every Catholic couple planning to use NFP get this book. The first chapter is, essentially, something very similar to what I read in my CCLI magazines regarding in what circumstances the Church allows NFP to be used. The discussion of the individual circumstances of each couple's situation in this first chapter is really vital for every couple to read so that they know for certain that their sacrifice with abstinence isn't out of line with orthodoxy. This confidence is really vital to having peace of mind when practicing NFP. I can tell you that, when my husband and I were first struggling to figure out our marriage while using NFP, we were told we were using it with a contraceptive mindset by a random internet "theologian" because our circumstances and reasons for postponing pregnancy weren't life or death. At the time, we were abstaining for approximately three weeks at a time and it was painful. I cried to my husband that it would be so much easier to just throw caution to the wind and get pregnant despite our reasons to postpone pregnancy, and I sobbed over not understanding why on earth we would be making the sacrifice that we were making if it was putting us in mortal sin. When I turned to our wonderful teaching couple regarding my sadness, she sent me a copy of the magazine we get that had precisely the same type of content as the first chapter of Simcha's book in it, and it helped us tremendously. I suggest getting this book even if it is only to have a reminder that your sacrifice is not in vain and that there are people out there who support you.
Beyond that, the book is really honest about what it takes to have a healthy marriage, whether you are using NFP or not. There is a lot of great advice on how to show love to one another without being physical. Simcha is nonjudgmental and understanding. She gives her advice with obviously nothing but the desire to help other couples with what she's learned. NFP is wonderful, it brings many graces to a marriage, but, the honest truth is, you have to work for it. This book is a great guide on how to do that work.
I also can attest to Simcha's advice to remember that couples who use contraception also have problems in their marriages and with their sex lives. Why, I can even attest to this with first-hand knowledge because I have used contraception. Simcha's descriptions of the pitfalls contraceptive sex brings with it are accurate and a great reminder as to why NFP is superior.
I did find the book a little disjointed, but, in fairness, that isn't necessarily bad. It reads more like a conversation over coffee with your best friend about NFP than it does a theology textbook, which fits well with the content of the book. Simcha feels like your friend when you read it. I really did like that aspect of the book, so it was worth having it be a bit disjointed.
I have to warn women who have very supportive husbands that they might not want to read this while they are in their fertile phase. A lot of Simcha's advice for men is about doing nice things for their wives and making sure they feel courted outside of the bedroom. Since my husband does this, I kept reading Simcha's words and being reminded of all the nice things he does, and, well, I was very glad we weren't abstaining at the time I was reading it. (I just wanted to point that out in the spirit of helping and supporting each other in the struggles that NFP does bring up.)
All in all, I'm really glad this book exists. I do think there is a need to be honest with people regarding what practicing NFP is like. There should be more books that dive into this subject matter. I know that the rosy picture we generally paint about NFP tends to feed into the attitude that people use it in a contraceptive manner. I mean, if it's so easy to do, it must be easy to do it with a contraceptive mentality, right? The conversation about NFP needs to be honest and open without scaring people away. I think Simcha's book does a good job in starting this. I give the book 4/5 stars.
From what I understand, I live in one of, if not the most, secular state in the United States. However, I am fortunate enough to have a really great support network for NFP here, mostly through a phenomenal teaching couple who are down to earth and kind. I am also a member of the Couple to Couple League, so I receive their magazine, which is full of support and advice. I've found through my contact with other Catholic couples who live in far more Catholic areas than I do that this support network isn't available to everyone. For this very reason, I suggest that every Catholic couple planning to use NFP get this book. The first chapter is, essentially, something very similar to what I read in my CCLI magazines regarding in what circumstances the Church allows NFP to be used. The discussion of the individual circumstances of each couple's situation in this first chapter is really vital for every couple to read so that they know for certain that their sacrifice with abstinence isn't out of line with orthodoxy. This confidence is really vital to having peace of mind when practicing NFP. I can tell you that, when my husband and I were first struggling to figure out our marriage while using NFP, we were told we were using it with a contraceptive mindset by a random internet "theologian" because our circumstances and reasons for postponing pregnancy weren't life or death. At the time, we were abstaining for approximately three weeks at a time and it was painful. I cried to my husband that it would be so much easier to just throw caution to the wind and get pregnant despite our reasons to postpone pregnancy, and I sobbed over not understanding why on earth we would be making the sacrifice that we were making if it was putting us in mortal sin. When I turned to our wonderful teaching couple regarding my sadness, she sent me a copy of the magazine we get that had precisely the same type of content as the first chapter of Simcha's book in it, and it helped us tremendously. I suggest getting this book even if it is only to have a reminder that your sacrifice is not in vain and that there are people out there who support you.
Beyond that, the book is really honest about what it takes to have a healthy marriage, whether you are using NFP or not. There is a lot of great advice on how to show love to one another without being physical. Simcha is nonjudgmental and understanding. She gives her advice with obviously nothing but the desire to help other couples with what she's learned. NFP is wonderful, it brings many graces to a marriage, but, the honest truth is, you have to work for it. This book is a great guide on how to do that work.
I also can attest to Simcha's advice to remember that couples who use contraception also have problems in their marriages and with their sex lives. Why, I can even attest to this with first-hand knowledge because I have used contraception. Simcha's descriptions of the pitfalls contraceptive sex brings with it are accurate and a great reminder as to why NFP is superior.
I did find the book a little disjointed, but, in fairness, that isn't necessarily bad. It reads more like a conversation over coffee with your best friend about NFP than it does a theology textbook, which fits well with the content of the book. Simcha feels like your friend when you read it. I really did like that aspect of the book, so it was worth having it be a bit disjointed.
I have to warn women who have very supportive husbands that they might not want to read this while they are in their fertile phase. A lot of Simcha's advice for men is about doing nice things for their wives and making sure they feel courted outside of the bedroom. Since my husband does this, I kept reading Simcha's words and being reminded of all the nice things he does, and, well, I was very glad we weren't abstaining at the time I was reading it. (I just wanted to point that out in the spirit of helping and supporting each other in the struggles that NFP does bring up.)
All in all, I'm really glad this book exists. I do think there is a need to be honest with people regarding what practicing NFP is like. There should be more books that dive into this subject matter. I know that the rosy picture we generally paint about NFP tends to feed into the attitude that people use it in a contraceptive manner. I mean, if it's so easy to do, it must be easy to do it with a contraceptive mentality, right? The conversation about NFP needs to be honest and open without scaring people away. I think Simcha's book does a good job in starting this. I give the book 4/5 stars.
To Mr. Brett Shoemaker
Dear Brett,
I read your blog post to your future wife. First of all, I have to say, you have an awesome name. Secondly, your heart really seems to be in the right place. You are well on your way to becoming a man of conviction with a whole lot of respect for women, so, kudos to you. I am a bit older than you are and already someone's wife, so I had a few comments and constructive criticisms for you that I thought you might find useful.
I have to say that I absolutely loved how you described beauty as being more than skin deep. You are right! We are beautiful because we are made in the image and likeness of God! Too often women are told we are worthless because we don't look a certain way. Thank you for standing up and speaking out against that. However, your beautiful points here were undermined by saying that you would like for her to keep "her goodies" covered. Calling a woman's body "her goodies" kind of indicates that a woman's body is meant to only be something pleasurable for a man to look at and use. Also, comparing her body to a car makes her sound like an item to be used. I know this wasn't your intention, but, with all of the messages out there towards women about how we need to act, dress, behave, etc... to attract a man, you really have to be careful in how you phrase things so that you don't add to this. Also, inferring that she needs to stay covered strictly for your benefit makes it sound like her body is only worthwhile in how it relates to you. In the future, I suggest emphasizing that you will also be making sure that you are dressing modestly to make sure that you are working equally as hard to keep your body veiled and saved for her. Purity and modesty aren't just for women. I suggest changing your wording to something like,"I would prefer if you veiled the holiness of your body, and I will do the same and wait to share it only with you." That emphasizes that you are looking for a woman who is true to herself and also holding yourself accountable.
I think you should also be ready for a wife who never wanted to be a princess. She may have grown up with only brothers and desperately wanted to be a superhero who saves other people. She might not want to be rescued from anything. Speaking from experience, she may rescue you just as much as you rescue her. Also speaking from experience, she might pursue you. Hey, she might already be pursuing you! My life didn't go anywhere near like I expected it to. Life is messy and full of surprises. Be open to what God has in store for you, even if it isn't the Fairy Tale you imagine.
The part of the letter about how things won't always be good but you will get through with prayer and the grace of God was beautiful. I also can't commend you enough for your comments about how you won't hold her past against her. That shows a true maturity and desire to love someone unconditionally. Kudos to you.
I hope that you find my comments useful and will use them to help make sure that women aren't marginalized or ever made to feel like their value comes from how a man, even her husband, perceives her. I will say a few prayers for you and your future wife, and I wish you luck in finding her and on your future vocation. Marriage is more wonderful than I can even describe, especially if you enter it with the maturity and respect you've alluded to in your letter. May you continue to grow in faith and be the husband you obviously wish to be.
I read your blog post to your future wife. First of all, I have to say, you have an awesome name. Secondly, your heart really seems to be in the right place. You are well on your way to becoming a man of conviction with a whole lot of respect for women, so, kudos to you. I am a bit older than you are and already someone's wife, so I had a few comments and constructive criticisms for you that I thought you might find useful.
I have to say that I absolutely loved how you described beauty as being more than skin deep. You are right! We are beautiful because we are made in the image and likeness of God! Too often women are told we are worthless because we don't look a certain way. Thank you for standing up and speaking out against that. However, your beautiful points here were undermined by saying that you would like for her to keep "her goodies" covered. Calling a woman's body "her goodies" kind of indicates that a woman's body is meant to only be something pleasurable for a man to look at and use. Also, comparing her body to a car makes her sound like an item to be used. I know this wasn't your intention, but, with all of the messages out there towards women about how we need to act, dress, behave, etc... to attract a man, you really have to be careful in how you phrase things so that you don't add to this. Also, inferring that she needs to stay covered strictly for your benefit makes it sound like her body is only worthwhile in how it relates to you. In the future, I suggest emphasizing that you will also be making sure that you are dressing modestly to make sure that you are working equally as hard to keep your body veiled and saved for her. Purity and modesty aren't just for women. I suggest changing your wording to something like,"I would prefer if you veiled the holiness of your body, and I will do the same and wait to share it only with you." That emphasizes that you are looking for a woman who is true to herself and also holding yourself accountable.
I think you should also be ready for a wife who never wanted to be a princess. She may have grown up with only brothers and desperately wanted to be a superhero who saves other people. She might not want to be rescued from anything. Speaking from experience, she may rescue you just as much as you rescue her. Also speaking from experience, she might pursue you. Hey, she might already be pursuing you! My life didn't go anywhere near like I expected it to. Life is messy and full of surprises. Be open to what God has in store for you, even if it isn't the Fairy Tale you imagine.
The part of the letter about how things won't always be good but you will get through with prayer and the grace of God was beautiful. I also can't commend you enough for your comments about how you won't hold her past against her. That shows a true maturity and desire to love someone unconditionally. Kudos to you.
I hope that you find my comments useful and will use them to help make sure that women aren't marginalized or ever made to feel like their value comes from how a man, even her husband, perceives her. I will say a few prayers for you and your future wife, and I wish you luck in finding her and on your future vocation. Marriage is more wonderful than I can even describe, especially if you enter it with the maturity and respect you've alluded to in your letter. May you continue to grow in faith and be the husband you obviously wish to be.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
The Importance of Creating a Catholic Culture in Your Home
I am very passionate about bringing my Catholic faith into my home and teaching it to my children. Our faith is not just something that our family does for an hour on Sunday; we try to bring it into every aspect of our lives.
We have many reasons for this. The big one is that we want to show our children how important God and Catholicism are. Children learn from their parents what is important mostly by what we show with our actions is important to us. We are hoping that, with the Bible reading, the praying, the activities, and the Catechism lessons that we are setting our children up for a life of strong faith. Although I plan to send my children to public school, this year I'm homeschooling them. I chose the preschool program from Seton Homeschool Study, and I've been very pleased with the religious subject matter. It's helped me figure out ways to explain our complex religion to toddlers. If you know of anywhere else with great resources for teaching Catholicism to children, I'd love to hear your comments. Anyway, I'm happy to say that my work is paying off. My children are imitating me. Here is my daughter praying at our altar.
I must confess that I haven't always had a Catholic culture in my home. You see, I am very anti-clutter and knick-knack. I just can't stand having a lot of stuff. (Yes, having children with toys brings me many chances for redemptive suffering!) I thought that having Catholic things in my home would create a feeling of messiness and wouldn't look nice. I have since found out how foolish I was being, as I find my home even more beautiful now with tasteful touches of Catholicism around it, which brings me to the secondary reason that I am passionate about having a Catholic culture in my home.
The honest truth is that I have had a serious Dark Night of the Soul over the past few years. God, Who I never questioned and always felt near to me, became distant and impossible to feel. I lived with constant anxiety, questioning everything. All I wanted was to feel Him again. I pushed and analyzed and tried to force him back into my intellect with no avail. I researched and studied and still could not make my frozen heart feel His love again. I prayed. I asked Him what He wanted from me. I found brief periods of relief, usually with a surge in orthodoxy and a strengthening of faith, but it never lasted very long. I started falling into despair.
This led to an epiphany of sorts. How could I expect to feel God in my life if I didn't invite Him into my home? If He isn't welcome in my home because of some crazy aesthetic ideal, how in the world could I let Him in my heart? I made myself a personal altar. I started finding statues and other Catholic items that would allow God into my home in a way that was beautiful and tasteful. My mother got me some wonderful gifts as well, including a book about how to create a Catholic home. I finally bought myself a statue of Our Blessed Mother. I didn't find complete relief from my Dark Night by doing this, but I felt like I was finally going in the right direction.
I've made a lot of Catholic friends through Facebook, mostly through a Catholic comedy page, if you can believe that. Most of them are about a decade younger than I am, but interestingly, wiser than I am in matters of faith. I repeatedly had it recommended to me by many of them to enlist the help of our Holy Mother. I'm ashamed to say that I failed to listen to these recommendations for a long time. You see, my overall experience with women hasn't been a positive one, and I have a hard time forming close relationships with women because of this. Our Blessed Mother many times has scared and intimidated me, even though I love and respect her and believe everything about her that our Church teaches. A couple months ago, I finally reached my limit and broke down and listened to my wise friends.
Honestly, I didn't know how to approach and speak to someone as holy as Mary is about my problems, so I did the only thing I could think of. I drew a self-portrait for her. I never draw when I am sad, so a stylized portrait with large eyes and an exaggerated crooked nose came out.
I then left it for the day with the Mary statue saying, "I don't know what to say, Mary, but please help me. This is all I've got left and you are my only hope."
Things started to turn around. I felt inspired to stop intellectualizing and trying to force myself to feel my faith. I took time to breathe. After a couple weeks of just appreciating the Catholic culture I'd created in my home and praying at my altar, taking time to remember how much God loves me at my beautiful crucifix that serves as a reminder of His passion, and, most importantly, having my Mary statue remind me to try to foster a relationship with Our Blessed Mother, I finally felt relief. Glorious, true relief.
God wanted me to bring Him and Mary into my home and into my heart. He withheld himself for so long so that I would learn how important she is and also how He is more important than a clutter-free home.
This is why I will offer tips and suggestions on how to bring Catholicism into your daily life. I think I'm supposed to tell people that, if you don't live your faith, it's easy to lose it. Also, Mary is our greatest intercessor to her Son. Let her into your heart, even if you feel like you'll never live up to her. Gosh, I want to be like her. If only I were a better mother and wife! Mother Mary, please pray for me!
How to you create a Catholic culture in your home? Do you have a similar experience?
We have many reasons for this. The big one is that we want to show our children how important God and Catholicism are. Children learn from their parents what is important mostly by what we show with our actions is important to us. We are hoping that, with the Bible reading, the praying, the activities, and the Catechism lessons that we are setting our children up for a life of strong faith. Although I plan to send my children to public school, this year I'm homeschooling them. I chose the preschool program from Seton Homeschool Study, and I've been very pleased with the religious subject matter. It's helped me figure out ways to explain our complex religion to toddlers. If you know of anywhere else with great resources for teaching Catholicism to children, I'd love to hear your comments. Anyway, I'm happy to say that my work is paying off. My children are imitating me. Here is my daughter praying at our altar.
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| Complete with my Totally 80s scarf to cover her head while praying! |
I must confess that I haven't always had a Catholic culture in my home. You see, I am very anti-clutter and knick-knack. I just can't stand having a lot of stuff. (Yes, having children with toys brings me many chances for redemptive suffering!) I thought that having Catholic things in my home would create a feeling of messiness and wouldn't look nice. I have since found out how foolish I was being, as I find my home even more beautiful now with tasteful touches of Catholicism around it, which brings me to the secondary reason that I am passionate about having a Catholic culture in my home.
The honest truth is that I have had a serious Dark Night of the Soul over the past few years. God, Who I never questioned and always felt near to me, became distant and impossible to feel. I lived with constant anxiety, questioning everything. All I wanted was to feel Him again. I pushed and analyzed and tried to force him back into my intellect with no avail. I researched and studied and still could not make my frozen heart feel His love again. I prayed. I asked Him what He wanted from me. I found brief periods of relief, usually with a surge in orthodoxy and a strengthening of faith, but it never lasted very long. I started falling into despair.
This led to an epiphany of sorts. How could I expect to feel God in my life if I didn't invite Him into my home? If He isn't welcome in my home because of some crazy aesthetic ideal, how in the world could I let Him in my heart? I made myself a personal altar. I started finding statues and other Catholic items that would allow God into my home in a way that was beautiful and tasteful. My mother got me some wonderful gifts as well, including a book about how to create a Catholic home. I finally bought myself a statue of Our Blessed Mother. I didn't find complete relief from my Dark Night by doing this, but I felt like I was finally going in the right direction.
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| A Christmas present from my mother. |
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| I absolutely adore this piece. John and the Virgin Mary taking Jesus down from the cross. How beautiful! |
I've made a lot of Catholic friends through Facebook, mostly through a Catholic comedy page, if you can believe that. Most of them are about a decade younger than I am, but interestingly, wiser than I am in matters of faith. I repeatedly had it recommended to me by many of them to enlist the help of our Holy Mother. I'm ashamed to say that I failed to listen to these recommendations for a long time. You see, my overall experience with women hasn't been a positive one, and I have a hard time forming close relationships with women because of this. Our Blessed Mother many times has scared and intimidated me, even though I love and respect her and believe everything about her that our Church teaches. A couple months ago, I finally reached my limit and broke down and listened to my wise friends.
Honestly, I didn't know how to approach and speak to someone as holy as Mary is about my problems, so I did the only thing I could think of. I drew a self-portrait for her. I never draw when I am sad, so a stylized portrait with large eyes and an exaggerated crooked nose came out.
 |
| I feel nothing but despair when I look at this picture. |
Things started to turn around. I felt inspired to stop intellectualizing and trying to force myself to feel my faith. I took time to breathe. After a couple weeks of just appreciating the Catholic culture I'd created in my home and praying at my altar, taking time to remember how much God loves me at my beautiful crucifix that serves as a reminder of His passion, and, most importantly, having my Mary statue remind me to try to foster a relationship with Our Blessed Mother, I finally felt relief. Glorious, true relief.
God wanted me to bring Him and Mary into my home and into my heart. He withheld himself for so long so that I would learn how important she is and also how He is more important than a clutter-free home.
This is why I will offer tips and suggestions on how to bring Catholicism into your daily life. I think I'm supposed to tell people that, if you don't live your faith, it's easy to lose it. Also, Mary is our greatest intercessor to her Son. Let her into your heart, even if you feel like you'll never live up to her. Gosh, I want to be like her. If only I were a better mother and wife! Mother Mary, please pray for me!
How to you create a Catholic culture in your home? Do you have a similar experience?
Some of My Artwork
I realized I've showcased some of my artwork on Facebook, but I haven't shared it here. Here are a couple examples of my work.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed making them! Right now I'm experimenting with fine art prints. I hope to be able to offer some of my work to sell if all goes well.
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| Byzantine Inspired Virgin Mary |
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| Therese |
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I Have An Etsy Store Now
I have multiple Saint Inspired Necklaces available at my Etsy store right now. Click on the picture or on the Etsy icon to the right if you are interested in looking at my creations.
"The Economics of Sex" A Critique
This cute little animated feature, "The Economics of Sex," has been making its way around social media in recent days. I really wish I could give you a glowing, positive review of it, but alas, it really did not please me in the way it seems to be pleasing so many Christians. I'll explain, but first, I'd like to point out what I do like and agree with in the movie.
I agree wholeheartedly that the birth control pill, with it's reliable and easy way of preventing pregnancy has changed how our society views sex. We've managed to almost completely separate the reproductive act from reproduction. This has had a profound impact on how we view sex outside of marriage. Being Catholic, albeit one that was lapsed for awhile and did both, I believe that birth control and premarital sex are both disordered uses of our sexuality, so I give that aspect a thumbs up. I also enjoyed the positive light put on saving sex for marriage. It was nice to see a purely secular case made for avoiding premarital sex. I wish, however, that the message was more effective and better done. As far as I can see, the major flaws of this movie make it more damaging then beneficial, especially to women. The message that came across to me was, "Women, stop being sluts because you are ruining marriage!" with no responsibility being put on men. With all the other noise in the world about how women need to keep men from falling into sin, this is just going to feed into the negativity towards female sexuality.
This movie starts with an inherently flawed premise (i.e. that we can reduce sex down to a commodity), which then had statistics and bits of truth shoved into it to feed an agenda to tell women how to behave to be "desirable." If you don't already know, that kind of bothers me. First of all, sex is not a commodity, nor can it ever really be. Sex is so much more than that. Let's look at what the Catechism says about the marital embrace:
2335 Each of the two sexes is an image of the power and tenderness of God, with equal dignity though in a different way. The union of man and woman in marriage is a way of imitating in the flesh the Creator's generosity and fecundity: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh." All human generations proceed from this union.Sex is a way of imitating God's ability to create. Sex is meant to show us about God and His creation in a way that our puny mortal brains can handle. As I've said previously, Revelation describes heaven as a "wedding feast of the lamb." The unity created in the act of sex points us towards the intimate unity we hope to have some day with God in heaven. Sex by it's very nature cannot and should not be reduced to a mere commodity. Do so, and you remove all of its meaning and make it no longer special. Why should anyone who believes that sex is truly just a commodity care to wait until marriage to have it? The whole premise of this little movie undermines its message right from the beginning. Reducing sex to a commodity cheapens it just as much as, if not more so, than birth control does.
One of the first arguments the creators present us with is that since men are able to divorce romance from sex and generally have higher sex drives, a woman determines when sex occurs in a relationship, therefore, making her the "Gatekeeper." Before I go further, I have to say that I hope that I am not the only one who can't stop thinking about this whenever I hear the a woman is a "Gatekeeper":
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| Are you the Key Master? |
Anyway, there is definitely truth in the information about male sex drives and views on sex. I personally have talked with my husband about this ability to remove some aspects of emotion from sex, and I find it fascinating that he can do this. Men do seem to be better able to think about sex in a purely physical sense than women are. I have, however, met enough women who can also do this who have extremely strong libidos to know that this generalization is not enough to really prove the point of the movie. Beyond this, the truth is, I know that men don't have to disassociate sex and romance if they don't want to. "The Economics of Sex" makes it sound like a given that pretty much all men will remove romance from sex given the chance, and they will go and have sex with any woman who is willing to give it to them. It allows no option for men to just decide that maybe they have standards for their sexual liaisons as well. It literally says that, even though men separating sex from romance is not necessarily "how it should be" it's "just the way it is." Okay, so men get a free pass because, "boys will be boys"? We're not going to try to hold men accountable to this at all? It's all on women because we can't even fathom that maybe we should ask men to man up and be responsible and in control of themselves?! I have a better idea, how about if we perhaps advocate men trying to avoid the things that increase a chance of a them learning to disassociate romance and sex like pornography instead of acting like looking at porn is completely okay? Why don't we stop buying things that objectify women in their advertisements to send a message that we don't want women's bodies to be treated like commodities? Or advocate for parents to raise their sons to respect a woman's body and not just view them as convenient masturbation tools? Why must we lay this all at the feet of women? Men CAN rise up and be better. They CAN control themselves. It's not just up to women to make this happen, but men, too. Fathers and grandfathers and uncles and brothers need to encourage each other to be respectful; to be MEN. To pretend that men have no control over themselves is complete and utter sexist nonsense.
The movie goes on to say, "Sex is [a woman's] resource." Okay, so sex is a tool for a woman to get what she wants from men? The idea that sex is a tool that women can use to manipulate men to get what they want from them is even more horrific than sex being a commodity! This worldview being presented in this movie is truly terrifying. In it, essentially, in the eyes of men, women are walking vaginas that they will use to satisfy themselves with whatever one consents to let them. A woman then uses this knowledge to manipulate the man she wants most into marrying her. The woman therefore becomes a glorified prostitute, and she knows that her husband only puts up with her because she is the only one who will have sex with him. Heaven knows that lust and manipulation are super strong foundations for a marriage! Sex, the union of two bodies pointing us towards union with God, should not be used as a bargaining chip to get a ring on your finger. Also, no woman really wants to marry a man who is only marrying her so that he can have sex with her. Tell me, how is this movie supposed to be making a good argument for avoiding premarital sex? Honestly, the marriages implied by this "utopia" of women manipulating men who want to get in their pants sound awful. The attitudes regarding sexuality and marriage in this movie are setting women up to feel that all they can expect from a marriage is to be their husband's masturbation tool, so they will have their rings and maybe the kids they want, but they shouldn't expect happiness or fulfillment. That's a great way to create a positive change in this world!
The attitudes regarding sexuality in this movie also hurt men and boys. By perpetuating the myth that men will have sex with whatever willing woman they can find, we set our boys up to be bullied if they dare to say that they aren't ready to have sex yet. Can't you see it now? The questions, the harassment? ("Why don't you want to have sex yet? What is wrong with you?") Our men and our boys deserve to live in a world where they can also live without being pressured into having sex or treated like there is something biologically wrong with them for wanting to wait to have sex. A movie showing that men know where to get easy sex with illustrations of motels and claims of women being THE ones to decide when sex happens is not going to give any dignity or help to our young men. Chastity is a two-way street. We need to support and encourage both sexes, not shame one side and ignore the other.
To make matters worse, this movie doesn't even make a clear argument for why a marriage is desirable nowadays. I've noticed increasingly that marriage is being reduced down to health benefits and financial interests. People get married to get on each other's health insurance and for stronger finances. As a Catholic, this makes me weep because, to us, the purpose of marriage is to die to your spouse and live in service to him/her and God and to raise children for God. It is a vocation meant to bring us closer to God through union with our spouse:
2360 Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.
2361 "Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death."
2363 The spouses' union achieves the twofold end of marriage: the good of the spouses themselves and the transmission of life. These two meanings or values of marriage cannot be separated without altering the couple's spiritual life and compromising the goods of marriage and the future of the family. The conjugal love of man and woman thus stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and fecundity.There is such beauty in marriage, yet it is now being seen as less and less desirable. People fear divorce and commitment. If you want to increase marriages, you need to make marriage look desirable for everyone again. Simply asserting that women want to get married without asserting the benefits of marriage will not increase marriages. Perhaps a movie with the benefits of getting married for men would be a more effective way to increase men looking to get married instead of trying to shame women into taking on the entire burden.
The creators of "The Economics of Sex" also assert that, at some mythical point in history, women supported one another in marriage by keeping the value of sex high and therefore didn't compete for husbands. Um, hello, since when did women actually support each other and not compete? Have you guys never read a Jane Austen book? Do you not know who Lucy Steele is?
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| Here is a picture of Lucy Steele definitely not trying to compete for Edward Ferrars... |
Instead of just increasing the numbers of marriages, shouldn't we want to increase the number of happy, enduring, fulfilling marriages? Why don't we go for quality over quantity? We need a truly radical solution to the unique issues facing marriage and family in our country today, not just the same old, "A man won't marry you if he's already getting what he wants from you." "Women, stop being sluts," is only going to cause more shame over being a woman. Women constantly have competing messages being bombarded at them that they either need to be sexy so that men will want to be with them and value them, or that they need to be pure so that men with want to be with them and value them. Everything women hear is essentially how our worth is related to men. The message in "The Economics of Sex" is just another voice telling women how to act for men. In the context of how women are already viewed, this just adds to the false notion that our worth is determined by men. We are worthy because we are made in the image and likeness of God, just like men are. We shouldn't have to prove it in any other fashion.
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| It really would. |
If we really want to increase the number of quality marriages, we need to show value for our children. We need family-oriented messages. We need positive messages about our sexuality. If we are going to use secular arguments, we need to find compelling statistics that will convince men and women that marriage is something that they want instead of premarital sex. Otherwise, we fall short of a good solution and make movies like this that characterizes women as glorified prostitutes and men as uncontrollable animals. I feel that we would have more success at changing hearts with the Gospel and the Catechism. We can either promote messages like the one in this movie that are flawed and short-sighted, or we can promote Jesus' word and His love. We can give people Truth and substance. We can provide a message that can actually stand on its own. Anything less, in my opinion, just won't be enough to cut it long-term.
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